Sweet Release
by emilyanng
Summary: When Addison shows up in Seattle, Meredith begins to examine her life and contemplates her options to relieve stress. Set at the beginning of Season 2. Warning: contains cutting.
1. Sweet Release

**I am writing this tonight in order to keep from harming or killing myself. I struggle with self-harm and depression, and I am having a particularly tough time tonight. **

**I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters mentioned. That is all.**

**Review, review, review, and don't be afraid to talk! In fact, it is encouraged. Email: gibbyemily **

**Thanks!**

Set during season 2, after Addison came to Seattle and before Ellis' death.

Meredith Grey sat on the white tile floor of her clean bathroom. She looked at her cell phone sitting on the edge of the tub, willing it to ring, wishing it would yield the answer to all of her current problems.

It started playing the familiar Apple jingle.

Reaching for the phone from her cross-legged position on the floor, Meredith felt her heart palpitating at a rapid pace, a flutter of hope in her chest. As a doctor, she recognized the "flutters" as a release of adrenaline triggered by a fight or flight response.

Sometimes she wished she hadn't ever gone to medical school.

Initially, she had gone to medical school to please her mother, the famous surgeon Ellis Grey.

_FLASHBACK:_

"_Mom, I'm leaving. Don't expect me to be back anytime soon." _

_Ellis Grey entered Meredith's room, where Meredith was busily and angrily throwing clothes in a suitcase. "What do you mean you're leaving? Your first class is in two days. No daughter of mine will forfeit a prestigious medical school for a two-month trip to Europe." _

_A look of bitter distaste crossed the elder Grey's face – a look that Meredith knew so well that she associated the face that showed utter dislike and disappointment with anything that she did. _

"_That's exactly why I'm leaving, mother; I'm not your daughter. A daughter is someone who has a mother – I have no mother, just an overworked, obsessive, and overbearing surgeon who I happen to share a house with. I'll see you when I get back" _

_Meredith finished throwing the last of her toiletries into her small bag and ran downstairs, out of the front door, and into her car. _

_As she drove away from her mother's house, she saw Ellis Grey standing in the driveway, waving. Her face had somehow aged in the few moments since Meredith had glanced at it. It looked almost sad. _

_Meredith had no idea that her mother would contract Alzheimer's while she was away in Europe. She would regret this moment until the day she died._

_END FLASHBACK_

"Meredith? Hello? Meredith, I swear if you butt-answered me I'm gonna kill you. This is important" She was drawn out of her flashback by the sound of Izzy's voice on the other side of the phone.

"Izzy? I thought you were asleep in your room. What's going on? Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, everything's fine," Meredith could hear Izzy giggling and a man's voice in the background. "I just don't think I'm coming home tonight. I'm with…..What's your name? Anyway, I'm not coming home. Bye!" Izzy giggled and hung up.

Meredith sighed a heavy sigh, letting a long breath that seemed to weigh her down out of her chest as she laid her phone down beside her.

Not who she had been hoping for.

Izzy was beautiful and talented, but she didn't have wavy black hair, gentle eyes, or hands that could work miracles both in and out of the operating room.

Izzy wasn't Derek.

No one could be Derek.

But Meredith couldn't be Addison.

Addison Montgomery-Shepherd. Derek's red-haired, long-legged, fiery, kickass wife. The one he never mentioned until she showed up in Seattle for work.

How could she compete?

_FLASHBACK:_

"_Meredith, wait!" _

_Meredith was running through the rain into Seattle Grace Hospital, followed by George, Izzy, and Christina, her fellow interns. They had been drinking at Joe's Bar across the street and had gotten a 911 call for a massive trauma. _

_Upon arrival at the hospital, McDreamy himself had attempted to flag Meredith down, probably to explain why Addison was there and why he never told her about his wife. _

_She didn't want to hear it. She didn't want to talk about it, mainly because she knew she would cry in front of him, and her mother had taught her never to cry, especially in front of or over a man. _

_Weakness was not welcome here. _

"_Meredith, I can explain!"_

"_Can you? Somehow I doubt that. Because if you tried, you would shut up, and turn around and go back inside. Because you would realize that I am this close to getting in my car and running you down in the parking lot!" _

_ END FLASHBACK_

At that point, she would've done anything to get away from him. But oh, how she wanted him. She wanted his smell, his touch, his laugh, his kiss, his hands, his speech, his breakfasts and secret sleepovers and trailer and everything he had to offer. His love, his heart, his mind.

She was in love with him, and he was in love with his wife.

She glanced to her right. On the edge of the porcelain white bath was a purple razor and shaving cream. Her first thought was that this was simply a childish instinct, a cry for attention.

Yet the thought of pretty little scars on her perfect skin seemed so appealing.

Her skin was so soft and so white – unmarred by worry lines, perfected by years of lotioning, tanning, and caring. The cuts would be small; they would be virtually unnoticeable.

She picked up the razor, examining the dual blades carefully. The company that sold the razors claimed that a woman would have seductive, silky legs by using this razor.

This razor would be her savior tonight; it would release her stress, her pain, her years of bottling up her emotions.

She slowly held the blade up to her left wrist, pressing down ever so slightly, reveling in this moment. She had thought before about self-harm, but never before had she felt the rush and intoxication of the blade pressed so firmly against her smooth skin.

She felt that she had acquired super human qualities as she slid the blade horizontally down her wrist. Meredith could smell the metallic aroma of her own blood. She could feel so intensely the burning and itching of her freshly raw skin. Her senses were overload.

She stopped for a moment to think about her motives for self-harm. Why was she doing this? Not just for Derek, certainly not. She was doing this because her mother had never really wanted her, nor had she been there for any important moments in her life.

Ellis Grey had always been disappointed in Meredith's inability to stick to the medical track.

So Meredith made a fresh cut just for her.

Meredith had never spent much time with her father, Thatcher Grey. He walked out on her when she was five years old. He now had a shinier, healthier, better-all-around family. He didn't love Meredith anymore. She never got to play ball, go to tea parties, or pretend to be a princess with her daddy.

So she made a fresh cut just for him.

Chief Webber, the Head of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital, loved Meredith's mother more than anything. They had an affair when Meredith was young. It saddened her that he abandoned his wife for a woman who would never truly be able to love him the way he deserved due to her own limitations, then lost that woman to a disease.

So she made a fresh cut just for him.

Addison Sheppard had never even met Meredith, but she knew she was having an affair with her husband. Addison assumed Meredith knew Derek was married, and that must've hurt, to know your husband was cheating to deliberately pay you back for your mistakes.

Meredith hated that she hurt another woman. She hated that she was the other woman.

So she made a fresh cut just for Addison.

Then there was Derek.

She pictured him in her head, his smoldering eyes peering into her psyche and his body language suggesting the history between them.

So she made a fresh cut just for him.

And another.

And another.

Seven cuts in all. Lucky number seven.

She sighed a contented sigh, feeling a release of emotions with the release of her blood.

Her porcelain white bathtub was now completely stained red, with streaks of pink flowing down to the drain. There were drops of blood on the previously perfectly clean floor.

Her wrist was still dripping blood and screaming from pain and rawness.

She threw the razor across the room, suddenly disgusted, horrified, and afraid of what she'd done to herself.

But secretly, she was proud.

Because she did this of her own accord, not her mother's, or Addison's, or Derek's, or the chief's, or her father's.

All her.

She leaned back against the cabinet and examined her wrist, smiling a sly smile devoid of stress or pain.

She had found a sweet release.

**Morbid? Yes. But I needed to get it out there tonight. **

**I have felt like this before when I have cut. If anyone needs to talk to me, PLEASE contact me. I will help, I will not judge, and I will love. **

**Thank you!**


	2. Sweet Secrecy

**Thanks so much for reading! You guys will never know just how much good writing this has helped me lately. Especially the first chapter. I'm alive probably because of the first chapter.**

**This was initially going to be a one-shot, then I thought I would continue it to show what "cutters" go through sometimes. Plus, I'm a die-hard Grey's fan.**

**Anyway, here's the second chapter!**

Sweet Secrecy:

The next morning, Meredith awoke at 4:30 a.m. for her shift at the hospital. As an intern, her time was not her own.

She sat up, gingerly stretching her sore and exhausted limbs. As she lifted her arms above her head, the pink (almost red) lines on her arm stretched with her skin. The cold air hit her arm at the same time the bedroom door swung open.

"Ugh! Mere, why did we ever want to become doctors?" Izzy Stevens plopped face down on Meredith's bed, obviously frazzled and quite satisfied by her night with What's His Name.

A brief flutter of panic ran through Meredith's stomach, up to her chest and coming out of her mouth in a high-pitched squeak-turned-yawn.

"Let's pretend it's for the hot men and great pay, ok?" She got out of bed and hurriedly grabbed her scrubs off of the floor. Running to the bathroom, slamming the door shut, and sinking to the floor while bundling her clothes to her chest, she glanced at her raw wrist.

What would Izzy say if she had seen? She obviously hadn't, since Izzy wasn't exactly the quiet type. Her motherly instinct and friendly concern coupled with doctor-like tendencies would have absolutely smothered Meredith in bactine and gauze.

_At Seattle Grace Hospital:_

This whole doctor outfit was itchy. Itchy on her newly formed scars, at least.

It was all she could to keep her right hand away from her wrist, not to stop the ever-present and irritating itching.

Her body was yelling at her for causing unnatural pain and discomfort to its perfection.

Meredith mentally rolled her eyes at whatever Bailey was saying. She was pretending to listen while she thought about her episode last night; she couldn't believe how good she'd felt when she dragged that razor across her arm, drawing blood—

She was interrupted from her thoughts by Miranda Bailey's sharp tone. "Grey, are you listening?"

The intern nodded eagerly. "Yes ma'am."

"Then what'd I say?"

"…..Something about an x-ray?" Meredith looked hopeless around for some help.

Bailey gave her that look that only Bailey could manage. Yet it somehow reminded her of the look her mother gave her sometimes.

"Grey, take this and get out of my sight. Just go. Go and get an x-ray. For the patient, not for you. Although maybe you need one to determine what part of your brain is missing. Can you handle that?"

Meredith nodded, not at all offended by Bailey's words. This was how the short, stout woman dealt with stress, and it was actually quite charming.

She began walking down the hallway, carefully avoiding busy staff and patients on their way to their destinations.

At the end of the busy hallway, she could spot a certain individual and his red-haired wife. They were talking intensely, probably arguing. Meredith wondered if they were arguing about her.

She tried to maneuver slowly and deliberately, still avoiding people but attempting to blend in.

It was almost like being in an African jungle. She was the timid meerkat peering around the bend to try and get away from the hungry cheetahs.

All of a sudden, Meredith found herself on her ass.

"Oh, Meredith! I'm sorry, I didn't see you there. Massive trauma, and guess who gets to scrub in? This guy!" George O'Malley, her timid but sweet fellow intern had accidently bumped into her with a crash cart on the way to the ER.

"It's ok, George. And congrats on the trauma."

Without a second thought, George reached down and grabbed Meredith's left forearm to try and help her up from her position on the floor.

"Ouch, George, don't do that!" Meredith sprang up and immediately grabbed her aching wrist, tears jumping to her eyes and her entire body convulsing. She didn't want anyone near her all of a sudden. Especially not anyone touching her wrists.

George had an utterly confused and terrified look on his face.

"Meredith, what's wrong? Are you hurt? Should I get Bailey, or Christina?"

"NO! George, just go. The trauma!" She picked up the dropped x-ray folder from the floor and ran down the hallway.

But not before she missed the expression on Derek's face.

If she didn't know better, she would've said it was concern.

He was still at the end of the hallway with Addison, and had apparently seen the whole incident.

As Meredith ran into the nearest on-call room, she looked down at the forearm sleeve of her white doctor's coat.

It was turning red.

"Shit!"

She threw off the coat and began franticly searching for gauze, bandaids, a shirt, anything to stop the bleeding from her raw scars.

A knock on the door, as her heart sped up to rival the beat of a stampede.

"Meredith? Are you ok?" McDreamy. Damn it.

"Derek—Dr. Shepherd—go away! I'm fine!"

Oh, how she wanted to talk to him. But what if he saw?

She would never be allowed in the operating room ever again, except if he decided she qualified for a lobotomy.

His tone sounded hesitant and concerned when he replied. "Are you sure?"

Meredith heartbeat began to slow down and the roar of screaming brain began to silence as she laid eyes on a box of forgotten tissues underneath the bed and scotch tape on the side table.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd, I'm fine."

She sighed and sank to the floor as she heard Derek's footsteps slowly walking away.

Hiding this was going to be more difficult than she had initially thought.

**Thank you so much for reading!**

**Reviews, please?**

**Btw, cutting feels like this. So good when you do it, horrible and secretive afterwards.**


	3. Sweet Intoxication

**So, this is really where my story will deviate from the Grey's storyline. Same characters and pairings, though. And it sort of turns into a love story, but it will definitely still include cutting and self-harm. That is all :3 **

**Enjoy, and review!**

Peering out of the small, dingy on-call room, Meredith looked down the hall one way, then the other – just to make sure she was in the clear.

Aside from the hustle and bustle of the always busy hospital corridor, the coast seemed relatively clear, and she stepped out of the room.

Suddenly, she came face-to-chest with Addison Montgomery-Shepherd.

Although Meredith was generally not afraid of a fight and had a temper and a foul mouth to boot, she found herself shrinking back into the doorframe.

Addison gave off an air of authority; she was not only intelligent and beautiful, but she had the upper hand here at Seattle Grace and she knew it. The chief had all but begged her to sign a three-month contract for her OBGYN services. Definitely intimidating.

Looking up at her unwelcoming and accidental rival, Meredith took a deep breath and hid the red-stained left sleeve of her doctor's coat behind her back.

"Can I help you, Dr. _Montgomery_-Shepherd?" It was all she could do to steady her voice.

The ginger pursed her red lips together and crossed her arms in front of her ample bosom.

"Let me make this clear, _Grey_. My husband may have had a moment of weakness when it came to you, but you are no match for me. You're an intern; you're my bitch. And I have no problem reporting you to Webber. For _anything._ So make a mistake. Any mistake. I dare you. If I have any reason whatsoever to boot your sorry ass out of the program, don't think I won't take it. I'm a very vengeful woman, Dr. Grey. Do I make myself clear?"

_Vengeful? More like a vindictive bitch._ "There will be no mistakes to be made on my part, Dr. Oh, and I wouldn't be so confident about your marriage. Your contract is only three months. His job in Seattle is permanent."

Taking another step closer, Addison glared down into Meredith's eyes, opened her mouth, and was suddenly interrupted by George O'Malley running in between them with another crash cart.

On his way through, he gave Meredith a questioning look, one that said he was concerned.

Addison's pager went off, she went running down the hall to the PICU, and Meredith gained a new appreciation for George.

She looked down at her red lined sleeve and winced. She would have to spend the rest of the day trying to hide the blood. Unless she said it was from a patient. That would work – she was helping with a patient and it was his blood.

With the cover story set in her mind, she set off down the hallway to her initial destination, the x-ray lab.

_A few hours later, at Joe's Bar:_

Izzy Stevens, Christina Yang, George O'Malley, Alex Karev, and Meredith Grey sat around their usual table at Joe's, observing their surroundings and casually drinking.

They were comfortable here, and they enjoyed being together.

They fit together perfectly – the M.A.G.I.C. group of interns at Seattle Grace.

Meredith and Christina, best friends from the moment they met at orientation, were enjoyed tequila shots together. They made a competition out of it; the last to finish her shot owed the other a patient of their choice in the ER the next day.

"Come on, Yang! Take it like a man!" Alex was the bad boy, always up for a good time involving women and alcohol.

"Shut up, Karev. I'm more of a man than you'll ever be and you know it! In fact, your girlfriend called and she says her balls are bigger than yours!"

Meredith found herself laughing at her friends.

They kept her sane more than anyone else ever could.

After rough days at work and being ordered around by anyone and everyone, she loved to unwind with them.

Except when Dr. McDreamy walked in.

It was raining outside, and he ran a hand tentatively through his god-like hair, gently shaking off the raindrops from his coat as he took it off and hung it up near the door.

He looked around the bar, completely overlooking Meredith and her friends and immediately spotting Dr. Burke, the heart surgeon at Seattle Grace.

Quietly observing the gifted doctor, Meredith saw Joe hand him a beer and was drawn out of her reverie by the sound of Izzy's voice calling to her.

"Mere, hello? Earth to Mere! I swear, you have got to get over McDreamy. So what? You had a bad dating experience. The guy ended up being married to like, the most perfect woman ever. Move on. You can do better."

Izzy took a swig of her beer, and Meredith began to think about what she said and she smiled on the outside and her friends continued to talk and laugh around her.

Why did Derek have to be married?

After everything that had happened to her, and all of her trust and relationship issues, she thought she had found the one.

And look what happened.

Meredith hated herself. Absolutely hated herself.

There was no way she could compete with someone as charming and as unbearably beautiful as Addison.

She let someone in and was reminded why she shouldn't.

All she wanted was to get absolutely hammered. Maybe then someone would think she was pretty and charming too.

So she took shot after shot after shot.

_With Derek:_

He forlornly watched her take tequila shots and chasers from across the bar.

She probably didn't even see him here.

She had probably written him off as soon as she knew about Addison.

He sincerely wished that Addison would have stayed in New York.

He wanted Meredith.

She was beautiful, and perfect for him.

He could talk to Meredith like he could talk to no one else, and she just _got _him.

Remembering earlier that day when he had seen her fall in the hallway, he thought about how much he wanted to be the one to take care of her, to help her, to love her and hold her.

He knew she had a tough past and was a hard shell to crack, but he was willing to work hard to win her heart.

The problem was Addison.

He did love his wife, but Meredith was his soulmate.

How was he to balance his love for wife and his love for the broken intern?

He took a lonely shot of vodka as he watched Meredith Grey walk out of the bar with another guy.

**In my opinion, excessive drinking to forget a problem is a form of self-harm.**

**I do this sometimes; I drink to the point where I can't remember anything and all I can do is cry.**


	4. Sweet Guilt

**I have lots of ideas about where I'd like to take this – just trying to keep going in one direction! **

**I hope you like it!**

When Meredith awoke the next morning, an unfamiliar and masculine arm was wrapped around her small waist.

'_Hmmm… Derek.'_ Rolling over to snuggle into whom she believed to be McDreamy, she ran into a wall of furry chest and snapped her head up straight into the man's chin.

Definitely not Derek.

"Ow…. I'm so sorry."

The man looked down at her and smiled wearily, apparently confused at his surroundings and why he was with a strange woman.

She was quite confused too; all she knew is that the sex was earth-shattering.

She had almost forgotten about Derek and was about to lose herself in this man's gentle embrace when the door suddenly snapped open.

"Meredith! You're late— Oh… Dan? What are you doing here?"

Izzy looked from Meredith to "Dan" and gave her roommate an incredulous look before slamming the door shut and running down the hallway with loud, angry footsteps.

If she wasn't confused before, now she was losing it. "What was that all about?"

"Was that Izzy?! Why didn't you tell me you knew her?"

"I didn't think it was important!" Suddenly it dawned on Meredith that this must have been the man that Izzy was with the other night. The first man Izzy had shown interest in since Alex dumped her.

She felt like a dirty slut – more than usual.

Why was she always the other woman?

Meredith jumped up from bed and grabbed her thin, pink bathrobe from the chair by the door and threw it on, running down the hallway after her friend.

She found Izzy packing her things for work and avoiding a concerned George.

"Meredith, will you please tell me what's going on here? Izzy won't speak to me!"

Maybe Izzy wouldn't speak to George, but she would sure speak to Meredith.

"You're such a whore – that's why no one likes you Meredith."

Meredith heard the front door slam shut as Dan left and Izzy continued her rant.

"I swear, everytime someone else is happy, you find a way to fuck it up. Look what you did to McDreamy and Addison! And let's not forget you sleeping with George. I wouldn't be surprised if you'd slept with Christina!"

George tried to speak up. "Hey! Meredith's doing her best. She didn't know McDreamy was married, and she didn't know that was the guy you'd slept with!"

Meredith could feel hot tears coming to her eyes as Izzy's pager beeped and she pushed past Meredith to get to the front door.

After Izzy left, George stepped forward to comfort Meredith, but his pager went off too. He gave her a careful, brief hug.

"I don't know what's going on with you, but if you ever need someone to talk to, to help you, or just to give you a hug, call me. I'll always be here." He rubbed her back before stepping out of the door.

George's sweet demeanor only made Meredith want to cry more.

Why couldn't she have just fallen in love with George? He was the sweetest, kindest man she knew. He would never abandon her and would always love her like she deserved.

And why did she have to pick up the only guy Izzy had showed interest in since Alex?

Izzy was right; she was a whore.

She just couldn't face life today. She was raised to be strong, but she couldn't go to work and deal with everyone glaring at her and whispering about her. Her mother would be so disappointed in her.

She picked up the phone and dialed the number meticulously. "Chief? Hi, I'm not going to be able to make it in today. I'm not feeling very well at all. Yes, I will be able to work overtime tomorrow. Ok. Thank you."

She planned on sitting at home sulking all day. So what if she was a grown ass woman? Whoever said big girls didn't cry clearly wasn't a big girl.

She headed upstairs to her bed, seeking comfort and warmth in the welcoming fluff. Passing by her bathroom, something caught her eye.

The door stood slightly ajar, and something shiny gleamed in the tiny bit of sunlight that streamed in through the slit in the blinds on the window. It was like she was meant to see it. Like she was drawn to it.

The razor. The same one. She remembered how she had buried the blade deep in her wrist, and how seductive the blood had been. She had a sweet secret, one that took her breath away and made her heart beat in a way she hadn't felt since her last moment with Derek.

She glanced at her wrist and was pleased to see that the red lines had tamed and were almost unnoticeable now. So what was the harm in this?

She wasn't hurting anyone but herself, right? And who would find out? No one, if she was careful.

She reached over the edge of the bathtub and began to run hot water. A hot bath would do her good.

Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, thinking about her morning, she was overwhelmed with a despicable feeling of guilt. She felt absolutely pathetic. She had hurt George and Izzy, two of her closest friends.

She loathed herself. Loathed herself more than she hated Addison.

When the water level was sufficient, she stripped herself of her clothes and got in the tub.

Letting the water soak into her skin and ease her aching appendages, Meredith grabbed her savior from the edge of the bathtub.

It was calling to her, beckoning her to relief herself.

She started with the other wrist, making two small cuts in the shape of an 'X'. This was to remind herself that she was an awful person who hurt her friends.

Next, she made two deep cuts running horizontally on the same arm. She immediately felt light-headed at the release and had to lean her head back against the tub to keep from slumping forward.

A few minutes later, she was able to lift her head and saw that the bath water had turned a pinkish color. Her blood was dripping down her arm in bright red streams.

It felt so good – her form of self-punishment within self-mutilation.

She settled for another small 'X' below the two red lines.

Suddenly Meredith became overwhelmed. Her emotions came rushing forth in the form of tears, and after she had come to grips with her emotional trauma, she began frantically cutting the tops of her thighs.

Slash, slash, slash.

Cut, stab, press.

Her legs looked like they'd lost a fight to an angry paper shredder.

The water was now completely red; she couldn't even see her mutilated legs.

Finally able to relax, she slumped back against the bathtub and sighed.

The house was quiet until a few minutes later, when she heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

"Meredith? The chief said you were sick, and Izzy said something about you being a whore. What's going on? Whose ass am I kicking?" Christina.

Of course, Christina had a key to the house, and she would come to check on her on her lunch break.

"Um, hang on! Let me find some clothes!" Meredith was absolutely desperate to keep her secret a secret. Christina would think she was crazy or depressed or unfit to be a surgeon. She looked wildly around the room for a towel and began to let out the red bath water.

"How many times have I seen you naked, Mere? Besides, I have something to tell you about Derek—"

Christina stopped midsentence. She had opened the door to the bathroom and was now gawking at Meredith's bleeding arm and legs, covered with awful and ugly old and new scars.


	5. Sweet Denial

**So, I'm sorry that it's taken me a while to update, but I've had some pretty serious stuff going on with me right now. It's been a rough couple of days. I am feeling a bit better though!**

**On with the chapter!**

"Meredith! What the hell?!" Christina stood still at the doorway for a moment, soaking up the sight before her – her best friend sitting in a bath filled with water distilled by her blood. The sight would have made her sick if it hadn't been for her doctorly instincts.

Christina looked Meredith in the eyes, eyes that were screaming for mercy, for help, for an ending to excruciating pain.

Running to the linen closet in the hallway, she willed herself to stay calm so she could help Meredith get cleaned up. She returned to the bathroom and was almost shocked all over again. How could she not know this was happening?

"Hang on, Meredith. Just grab on to my shoulder, ok?" She leaned down to help her out of the bathtub. Glancing at the cuts on her arms and legs, she gasped and was hit with an immediate wave of sadness. Christina took a towel, wrapped it around Meredith, and quickly helped her to the bedroom, where she made her sit on the floor while she gathered medical supplies.

Fighting back tears, Meredith mentally scolded herself. She should've made sure to tell Christina she wasn't coming to work today. Now what was she going to do? What if Christina told everyone her secret? Then she would be kicked out of the program and would have to serve burgers at Steak-N-Shake. She began to hyperventilate, stressing and worrying about what might happen now that someone knew.

Christina returned to the bedroom with gauze, medical tape, bandaids, bactine, and a wet washcloth. Determined to help Meredith yet angry at the same time, she walked over to Meredith and bent down.

"Meredith? Calm down. If you start being hysterical, I will too. Just let me help."

When that didn't work, Christina flicked Meredith on the nose like she was a puppy who had done wrong.

Meredith's expression changed from hurt, to surprised, to humored, and then she hiccupped. It was a small sound that evoked laughter from the two of them. Everything was normal for a second, then Meredith looked down at her legs and at her arms and sighed.

"Christina, what's wrong with me?"

Christina began cleaning and bandaging her wrists first. "You're going through a tough time, Mer. And I know it was McBastard who triggered all of this. He'll pay in one way or another. Just wait. What can I do to help?"

Meredith was stunned at this answer – she had expected yelling and name-calling, not understanding.

Christina looked at her best friend and decided that this would pass. It would be ok. It had to be ok.

**I know this is super short, but I'm exhausted. I felt like I owed at least a small update to y'all. I would love to hear your ideas about where you think this story should go!**

**Oh, and another thing: Christina is dismissing Meredith's self-harm in an attempt to ignore the problem. That is never a solution! I have a plan for how this will play out into the story.**

**P.s. – Check out my group It Will Get Better on facebook!**


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